“If he wanted to, he would,” has become a popular phrase over the past few years.
Girls generally say it to encapsulate the idea that when a guy is genuinely interested in you and cares about you, his actions will show that desire.
We have heard that actions speak louder than words ten thousand times, but sometimes emotions cloud our judgment and we end up rationalizing behavior that doesn’t align with what we deserve. When you are an inch away from a painting, it’s hard to see the big picture.
The phrase encourages us to step back a few feet and focus on a partner’s concrete actions rather than relying on hope, promises, or vague potential.
If the concept helps you do that, then it is a success. However, if applied too rigidly, it can cause problems.
We’ll briefly go over the psychology behind the idea, the implications, and the limitations.
The Psychology
Our behaviors reflect our underlying desires. Common sense tells that if someone really wants something, they will do what it takes to get it, regardless of the external circumstances.
A girl has driven 8 hours to meet me for a first date and another girl who lived in my building took 4 months to get together for a first date. Those are extremes, but it makes the point: You can guess who was more into me.
People are more likely to commit to relationships in which they have invested significant time and emotional energy, as we talked about in Hard to Fake: Costly Signaling. If someone is truly interested in you, they are likely to invest in the relationship, evidenced by their actions.
Sometimes, it really is that simple. When you have been in a situation where you have tolerated unacceptable behavior from a partner, you almost feel insane when you say the simple things out loud.
A lot of things in life go like this: Simple. Complex. Simple.
- Simple: Does this person want me enough?
- Complex: Life circumstances, the past, family stuff, sorry, busy, plausible but flimsy explanation #219, I want to.
- Simple: Does this person want me enough?
The Implications
“If he wanted to, he would” carries different implications depending on the stage of the relationship.
Healthy relationships entail mutual attraction and effort.
In a new relationship, both partners are still figuring each other out, so the focus should be on general signs of interest and effort. While clear communication is often ideal, attraction frequently happens in more subtle, indirect ways, like flirting.
What I’ve realized is that the less I know about someone I like, the more I fill in the gaps with good qualities. We project our desires onto the people we like and we want them to have those qualities. This is very easy to do when we have little information about them. This is the slippery slope where our imagination gets us in trouble. We pay a lot of attention to the made-up partner in our head instead of the person in the real world.
In an established relationship, the emphasis shifts to specific efforts on important matters. Your partner may be pointing to the vacation he took you on and the nice necklace he bought, but you really just want him to stop liking pictures of random girls on Instagram and clean up after himself. You both have to clearly communicate your expectations.
The key words are reasonableness and self-respect.
What is Reasonable?
One of the best ways to figure out if something is reasonable is to ask a wise, trusted third-party or a stranger in an elevator (because they have no skin in the game, they will likely give you a neutral answer).
A common question I get asked is: “Am I being crazy for expecting this?” It is popular for guys to call girls “crazy.” While I have a handful of case studies that support this, it is much more common that when a girl explains a situation to me, they are being reasonable.
The problem is they generally have a hard time maintaining those stated expectations & standards (see Limitations below).
Self Respect & Enforcement
Once you have established that something is reasonable, you must have the self-respect to enforce that requirement. People don’t get what they deserve as much as they get what they tolerate. In an upcoming essay called Never Be Thirsty, we will go more into this, but tolerated behavior will be repeated. The more unwilling you are to walk away from something, the worse terms you will accept.
“If he wanted to, he would,” encourages people to hold their partners accountable by focusing on observable actions and patterns. Love is more than a feeling. It is predominantly tangible actions, like spending quality time together, fidelity, communicating clearly, or showing support during difficult times.
So, by having this mindset, you may be less likely to make excuses for someone’s lack of effort. As long as you are doing your part, it is useful to assume that lack of effort or initiative is a signal that they are not as interested as you need them to be for a good relationship.
Limitations
Expectations
The concept is not a license for delusional, unconstrained expectations.
The phrase should really be expanded to be “If he wanted to, he would, but relationships change over time, not everything is black and white, and he cannot read your mind.”
I was texting a girl that I had just started talking to and I noticed she started acting differently. When I asked what was going on, she was frustrated by how little I was texting her. She was wanting me to text her throughout the day.
It is tempting to say, “If you wanted to, you would.” It’s also valid for me to say, “Well, I have a job and I don’t know this girl well enough to be talking this much this soon.”
This is the intersection of reasonableness and expectations. I was interested in her, but it’s simply not my nature to text that much in the early stages. In this context, “If he wanted to” would be misleading.
What You Say You Want vs. What You Want
One of the most important lessons both men and women must learn is that: Women often think or say they want one thing, but they really mean or want something else. Sometimes the real thing they want is not communicated directly.
You can tell me your favorite fruit is strawberries all you want, but if you eat a banana every day and strawberries only occasionally, your favorite fruit is a banana.
There is a weird irony. The girls I know with the highest professed criteria have the lowest revealed criteria. A former coworker would say the wildest things she expected a guy to do then start dating the biggest loser in that zip code.
Girls with the highest revealed expectations and healthy self-esteem gently, quietly, and politely filter out men that don’t meet their criteria.
Grand Gestures: Are You Sure About That?
Another common example of professed vs. revealed preferences is grand gestures. These sound great in movies and books.
Someone sent me a video on Instagram about “If He Wanted to” and the guy on it said, “If Margot Robbie came up to your guy, don’t you think he’d get her flowers? Wouldn’t he take her to an amazing place?
Flowers sound romantic, right? In a specific context.
If I wanted Margot Robbie to like me, I wouldn’t buy her flowers. They would bore her and she’d think of me as a friend or fan.
Flowers are a reward for affection, not a means to win it.
Girls may say all day long they want a guy to buy them flowers. But flowers alone don’t create attraction – they can only enhance it.
While gestures like flowers can feel romantic and affirming, they don’t necessarily build the deep connection you are really looking for. This becomes clear when we consider the Love Bombers. They are the Olympians of “If He Wanted to, He Would,” overwhelming you with excessive attention, flattery, and affection. Then they ghost you and never talk to you again.
Friends of mine have said the worst guys they have dated have bought them the nicest gifts, trips, flowers, and sent the good morning texts.
Effort doesn’t necessarily mean value.
Confused?
There are a million things like this, which highlights how important it is to be a student of human nature.
If you have thought about your situation intensely and you still need a tiebreaker, one of the most useful relationship tools I have is confusion.
If I’m confused how a girl feels, then 99 times out of 100 she doesn’t like me enough.
If a girl likes me, I’m not confused.
Guys are the same way.
See also:
- Who to Marry, Work With, & Befriend (extra guac)
- Hard to Fake: Costly Signaling (extra guac)
- Facilitating an Experience (extra guac)
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